A Doctor's Worry

August 15
Isn't funny how you can have the same disease as someone else, someone you love and you're not worried about you having it but you're terrified for the other person? So afraid of what it is and can do to them. This rings loud and clear for me as this is how I feel. Today my doctor told me I'm showing yet another sign of lupus. My joints are inflamed (she found four or five between my hands and feet). It's made her concerned. She doesn't want it to be lupus or to give me that label. She said it would make it a lot harder to get married, impossible to get insurance, and if I want kids (which is a yes) it will be very difficult. It would be a high risk pregnancy with lots of possible complications. I'd need major monitoring the whole time and specialty doctors. I'm not worried about the marriage bit, the right guy will love me even with lupus. That won't stand in his/our way. I hate the insurance thing-it's so dumb not to let sick people have insurance. It just doesn't make any seance. And while the pregnant part does have me a little apprehensive, I'm not in dispare about it. Ever since I got my patriarchal blessing I've gathered that it wouldn't be easy. But what can I say, I'm a difficult child. And I'll show how difficult I can be by fighting it. For the man who loves me for me and not mortal things. For the sweet children I want so badly to bring into this world (even if it means adoption-totally good with that). For every person who has stood by me every moment. And for me, I'm too stubborn to let this illness win.
Now I must say it's not official yet. My Dr wants to wait and see. I'll be getting some more test results to help guide her. But I'm ready for whatever the outcome may be. I've had the feeling since mom was diagnosed . That feeling became stronger when I found out fibromyalga often turns into lupus. So it's only a matter of time really. I'm good for I am blessed. I just want my mom to be okay. I worry about her.